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Sunday, January 5, 2014

Day 3 - The First Time I met our Baby and his cry Part 1



This is an Old Blog, from the first time (30 October 2013) I held our baby Boy called Cesar in the hospital, and what I was experiencing when he was crying and my over all interaction with him that first time, basically removing the inner experience to remain here as the physical, what real.

when I came home, I sat down and i wrote all this out and then took a really nice long nap and then went back to the Hospital.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react when Cesar starts crying when I am the one busy with him, holding him.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personal when Cesar starts crying when I am holding him or being with him.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when Cesar starts crying while I am with him to make up ideas/beliefs about myself and what it is or might be about me that he is picking up that is making him cry.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as the fault and the problem and the cause when and as Cesar is crying as I am holding him or touching him, seeing and realizing that this sabotages me from seeing physically what’s here/happening and to direct the point to help Cesar and what he is telling is through the crying as his way of communication.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear touching Cesar in the fear of that I might hurt him with my strength, not knowing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust my touch and my breath as my stability as me when and as I am touching or holding him.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from Cesar as being something alien to me when and as I am holding him or touching him.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being intimate with Cesar as Myself when and as I am holding him, being with him, embracing him here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear others Judgment’s or opinions on what I am doing when and as I am working with Cesar such as holding him or touching him.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel self-conscious when and as Cesar starts to cry while I am holding him or touching him or just being near him, as if it’s about me and that everyone will judge me as a bad parent because my baby is crying when I am near or around him.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being corrected by others within what I am doing when I am working with Cesar and to how it must be done correctly, fearing that I will in that moment define myself as incapable, seeing and realizing that it is simple, I breathe and I correct and integrate what’s common sense and practical and best for all and move forward.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear touching Cesar.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear Holding Cesar.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that Cesar will not like me just because of how I hold him or touch him and that everything I do will be the wrong way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that there is a wrong way and a right way, seeing and realizing that’s it is to Touch and be here as Touch as me in the Physical and to be of consideration one and equal and to move myself as breathe here and not in fear as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that Cesar will find my skinny bony body uncomfortable and thus not like to hang with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist connecting with Cesar and expressing myself with Cesar as I am here and to instead pull slightly away each time and to not engage as me here one and equal in a total entrancement as me, in fear of loss/rejection.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Fear Losing Cesar and to within this not engage as me in my entire totality one and equal and to instead distance myself within myself from connecting for real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear rejection from Cesar and to thus within this already reject myself through not fully expressing myself as myself as Cesar one and equal as two Physical beings actually caring for each other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I truly connect and engage myself as Cesar with Cesar within my total being as who I am that I will within this create a weak spot for myself that will become a weakness for me in cases such as Loss or casualty, thus I see and realize that I am doing from a starting point of fear of loss as death and in self-interest I never truly connect but keep my distance just so that I may feel in control and in power just for in-case anything happen I will be okay, seeing and realizing this selfishness is a compromise and NOT LIVING but holding back and that it has consequences that isn’t best for all or me as who I am.