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Sunday, June 15, 2014

Day 5 Father’s day – Daddy isn't "here"

I am a full time working dad/father, I go out in the mornings and I have no idea what time I will be back home, this is a reality for me.

While I am out and about doing business/work, I have a baby boy at home, with a mother that takes care of him full time, I have to quickly add, the mother works harder and longer hours than me, this work being raising another human, her job never ends, it is quite amazing seeing the human capacity when choice is removed.

Whereas I leave in the morning and come home some time, most of the time I come home at night time, or late afternoons.

When I arrive home I am tired, I feel drained, I spend hours on the road and hours talking and communicating with other human beings, and I spend a good amount of time with paper work, so most of the day I am not using ALL of my body, I only use my brain a lot and my lips for speaking, sitting SOO much.

When I get home at my random time, I find my son Cesar somewhere around the house, either he is being carried or he is being entertained by someone or he is being fed, or he is playing on the floor with his toys and developing himself in all possible ways, like right now he is crawling easily forward and standing up against objects, he falls and drops a few times and then have a cry. He gets up and simply try again, I can learn a lot from him.

when I am home the first thing I do is get out of my Business cloths, I get into comfortable clothes that is also cloths that can/may get stains and dirty, which is perfect for working with a baby lol.

After I get into my comfortable clothes I go and get myself a coffee and I go sit outside and I have the coffee and check my cellphone and my emails and I play a game on my cellphone, I do this to just blow off steam and get myself to relax.

As I finish my coffee and I am done with the game I will go back to the room where Cesar and Leila are, I usually still feel tired and drained, within this I tell myself to just relax, focus on breathing, let go of the day, I am here now, I must deal with what’s here now, so I play a bit more games or I go check the news or my facebook for 30min. do my own thing.

This is the part I struggle with currently, yet I am already much better of letting the Entire day go, all of it, all the information that I have received and given and all the information that is still running, like schedules and planning and arrangements and all those things.

But as this goes on and I am working on “breathing” and “relaxing” and letting “go” I am forgetting one thing, my son.

I become so self-centered at focusing at my own things going on, I don’t even give it a thought to go spend time the Cesar, that five minutes to just hug him and to be with him and to show him that I am here, he is here.

And interestingly enough, when I do that, it turns out I actually then let go of the mind bullshit and I become focused here as breath, it is as they say, everything is in reverse.

Here I am believing that I must first clear myself, I must first get my mind clear before spending time with my son, which in return actually traps me within my mind, because I am attempting to relax and let go through being in the mind, which is a contradiction within itself, as the mind can’t extinguish itself with itself.

When I turn my focus to something Physical such as Cesar my son, then I am in that moment making the conscious/aware decision to move from the past as my day that’s behind me to be here as the Physical as my son being with him, in the moment as him.

So I have now made a agreement with myself to everyday once I come from work to pack my stuff off, to get dressed in different cloths and to immediately go to Cesar and to hug him and give him my time once I am done with work.

Let us be clear, it is not to suppress or hide or anything like that of the whole day that has been over, it is to be a responsible being/father for the child that I am an example to.

See I have a simple decision to make as the example I am living in the eyes of my son, he will not learn what I say to him, he will learn what I live, as I am his male figure that he will be imprinting from, and since he only sees me at my worse which is after an entire day that I have been awesome, then he will learn that moment of the day of who I am within that moment, and he will see that as the example. That last part when I believe its now okay to escape into the mind.

So I have made the decision that I will be awesome for my son to be the living example of what is here as what’s best for all life, through living that in fact, to change this pattern of unawareness and to turn it into an aware moment of creative living.

what’s the point of being awesome for the whole world, but once I am in my sons presence I am a distracted shifting mind controlled zombie that walks around, believing the world out there, this system is more deserving of my attention then my own son, as my son will become this world and thus live within these systems and I have to be the example for him to walk and change this and thus not live as the mind as some tired worn out piece of a man calling himself dad, too tired to help out mom and to spend time with the kid using excuses of work, and that I have been working all day, and the day was hard and I deserve to just rest now and have time for myself to be this zoned out man.

NO – that’s not what I am accepting and allowing as my definition of a father – I am giving the attention to my child that I am giving to my job (as an example) outside as well, the same as what a mother does, a 24/7 job, if she can do it I can.

This is not a point of self-judgment, it is me re-aligning myself within the awareness of my actions within the presence of others/myself at all times, to be the same one and equal and to not change this presence once I am in a different area and to not shift, within the consideration of what my actions are creating within my reality as those that sees me as an example, in this case my child/boy Cesar.

And this change goes hand in hand with the principals or living commitments that I as a Destonian stand as – Living my utmost potential and nothing less.
Happy fathers day.

Saturday, February 22, 2014

Day 4 - where is the parenting manual

I suppose all new parents have this same experience, that first day leaving the Hospital with the baby, it has been four months since Cesar’s birth, but I still have to express this point.

So we drove to the hospital, Cesar was born about 5 hours later, it was a long and tiring night, all kinds of moments popped up that one is faced with, moments like, is the baby Ok, is the mother Ok, is everything going well, what’s happening moments, and then there is the moment it’s all over and the baby is here.

Now more blogs will come on those three days in Hospital, for now I want to share this point, that day we left the hospital.

The first three days of having a baby is easy, because it’s happening in the hospital, there are many hands helping, there are many people that know what to do – (sort of, a blog in its own), and there are a lot of support around, the facilities and the equipment for anything that might go wrong.

So for three days the mother is lying in bed resting, the baby comes and goes as the nurses see fit, I visit as much as possible and so do others, it’s all a nice and good experience for most of the parts.

The last day, I go to the hospital, I tell the nurses I am here to pick up my wife and our baby, they ask me, did the doctor say that the baby and your wife can be released, and yes the doctor has, so I go to my wife and she says that there still needs to be a few checks done.

So I wait, the nurses come in and out checking stuff, the doctors come in and do checks, I start packing things up and getting everything in bags.

The last doctor says, you are ready to go – I look at her, I say ok thank you, and I look at Leila and I say, are you ready, she says yes – a nurse arrives and she says that she will guide us out; she will carry the baby, that’s a policy.

So we start walking, we have everything of ours and now an extra human coming with us, home, as we exit the hospital and we get to the car, the nurse hands over the baby, I start assembling the baby seat and getting the settings ready, the nurse is just standing there watching, I am struggling, and then the nurse left after handing the baby over to Leila.

So now it was just me and Leila and the baby, I suddenly had a realization, its real, and the nurse just left us, she did not hand over a manual or anything, lol.

She did not even give us tips or advice, even the entire time we were in the hospital, no one told us anything, no one gave us advice on how to be parents, on how to raise a baby, no one told us anything, and it’s not like we learned anything in the three days of being in the hospital, because the nurses were doing everything and not telling us a thing.

This created the illusion that it would be easy, that it’s all smooth going. But I at least knew I can do this, so that wasn’t a deciding factor in my approach, it was just a shock; I had a couple of realizations in that one moment.

These realizations were a reality kick in the face, because this is what everyone goes through, and this is what Babies/new-born humans are left with, they are left with parents that does not know shit about being parents or raising a child, they are left in the hands of strangers actually, even if it is the baby’s parents, the baby does not know them, the doctors does not know them, so how can a baby just be left like that into the hands of two humans that is now going to raise their child on luck and hope.

In all the time we were in the hospital, no one asked us, do you know what to do as new parent’s, are you ready to be new parents, do you need any advice or tips on being new parents, do you know how to handle a Baby, do you know what to do if this or that happens, NO, nothing like that took place, it was all just left to be.

Obviously the Hospital and everyone working in it believe that the people in there giving birth planned it, or have been making plans or educated themselves to be parents, which isn’t the case I would say 90% of the time - what is educating self on being an actual parent – there is no such book, it’s all a pick and choose a style, which isn’t reliable, and even if one relies on it it’s all just lies yet parenthood is an agreement, so parenting has to include the parents having an effective communication/relationship first.

What I saw and experienced at the hospital according to my standards of living the principle of doing what’s best for all life, I cannot accept and allow this, this isn’t best for the parents and for the babies/children/adults to be, that will one day run this world, we need a new system, it all starts at home, with the families, with the new born humans and what’s then happens in the future, and so the future of earth.

I have opened up in this blog many points to write on and to expose the problems we face as humanity within parenting itself, and the system’s ineffectiveness – which I as a new father am facing and have faced and still facing. From being a parent to being a working man and a partner.

The point of self-responsibility must be understood, we cannot wait till the system changes, because we are the system, we must change first -

Sunday, January 5, 2014

Day 3 - The First Time I met our Baby and his cry Part 1

This is an Old Blog, from the first time (30 October 2013) I held our baby Boy called Cesar in the hospital, and what I was experiencing when he was crying and my over all interaction with him that first time, basically removing the inner experience to remain here as the physical, what real.

when I came home, I sat down and i wrote all this out and then took a really nice long nap and then went back to the Hospital.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react when Cesar starts crying when I am the one busy with him, holding him.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personal when Cesar starts crying when I am holding him or being with him.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when Cesar starts crying while I am with him to make up ideas/beliefs about myself and what it is or might be about me that he is picking up that is making him cry.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as the fault and the problem and the cause when and as Cesar is crying as I am holding him or touching him, seeing and realizing that this sabotages me from seeing physically what’s here/happening and to direct the point to help Cesar and what he is telling is through the crying as his way of communication.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear touching Cesar in the fear of that I might hurt him with my strength, not knowing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust my touch and my breath as my stability as me when and as I am touching or holding him.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from Cesar as being something alien to me when and as I am holding him or touching him.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being intimate with Cesar as Myself when and as I am holding him, being with him, embracing him here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear others Judgment’s or opinions on what I am doing when and as I am working with Cesar such as holding him or touching him.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel self-conscious when and as Cesar starts to cry while I am holding him or touching him or just being near him, as if it’s about me and that everyone will judge me as a bad parent because my baby is crying when I am near or around him.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being corrected by others within what I am doing when I am working with Cesar and to how it must be done correctly, fearing that I will in that moment define myself as incapable, seeing and realizing that it is simple, I breathe and I correct and integrate what’s common sense and practical and best for all and move forward.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear touching Cesar.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear Holding Cesar.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that Cesar will not like me just because of how I hold him or touch him and that everything I do will be the wrong way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that there is a wrong way and a right way, seeing and realizing that’s it is to Touch and be here as Touch as me in the Physical and to be of consideration one and equal and to move myself as breathe here and not in fear as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that Cesar will find my skinny bony body uncomfortable and thus not like to hang with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist connecting with Cesar and expressing myself with Cesar as I am here and to instead pull slightly away each time and to not engage as me here one and equal in a total entrancement as me, in fear of loss/rejection.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Fear Losing Cesar and to within this not engage as me in my entire totality one and equal and to instead distance myself within myself from connecting for real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear rejection from Cesar and to thus within this already reject myself through not fully expressing myself as myself as Cesar one and equal as two Physical beings actually caring for each other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I truly connect and engage myself as Cesar with Cesar within my total being as who I am that I will within this create a weak spot for myself that will become a weakness for me in cases such as Loss or casualty, thus I see and realize that I am doing from a starting point of fear of loss as death and in self-interest I never truly connect but keep my distance just so that I may feel in control and in power just for in-case anything happen I will be okay, seeing and realizing this selfishness is a compromise and NOT LIVING but holding back and that it has consequences that isn’t best for all or me as who I am.