Sunday, June 15, 2014

Day 5 Father’s day – Daddy isn't "here"

I am a full time working dad/father, I go out in the mornings and I have no idea what time I will be back home, this is a reality for me.

While I am out and about doing business/work, I have a baby boy at home, with a mother that takes care of him full time, I have to quickly add, the mother works harder and longer hours than me, this work being raising another human, her job never ends, it is quite amazing seeing the human capacity when choice is removed.

Whereas I leave in the morning and come home some time, most of the time I come home at night time, or late afternoons.

When I arrive home I am tired, I feel drained, I spend hours on the road and hours talking and communicating with other human beings, and I spend a good amount of time with paper work, so most of the day I am not using ALL of my body, I only use my brain a lot and my lips for speaking, sitting SOO much.

When I get home at my random time, I find my son Cesar somewhere around the house, either he is being carried or he is being entertained by someone or he is being fed, or he is playing on the floor with his toys and developing himself in all possible ways, like right now he is crawling easily forward and standing up against objects, he falls and drops a few times and then have a cry. He gets up and simply try again, I can learn a lot from him.

when I am home the first thing I do is get out of my Business cloths, I get into comfortable clothes that is also cloths that can/may get stains and dirty, which is perfect for working with a baby lol.

After I get into my comfortable clothes I go and get myself a coffee and I go sit outside and I have the coffee and check my cellphone and my emails and I play a game on my cellphone, I do this to just blow off steam and get myself to relax.

As I finish my coffee and I am done with the game I will go back to the room where Cesar and Leila are, I usually still feel tired and drained, within this I tell myself to just relax, focus on breathing, let go of the day, I am here now, I must deal with what’s here now, so I play a bit more games or I go check the news or my facebook for 30min. do my own thing.

This is the part I struggle with currently, yet I am already much better of letting the Entire day go, all of it, all the information that I have received and given and all the information that is still running, like schedules and planning and arrangements and all those things.

But as this goes on and I am working on “breathing” and “relaxing” and letting “go” I am forgetting one thing, my son.

I become so self-centered at focusing at my own things going on, I don’t even give it a thought to go spend time the Cesar, that five minutes to just hug him and to be with him and to show him that I am here, he is here.

And interestingly enough, when I do that, it turns out I actually then let go of the mind bullshit and I become focused here as breath, it is as they say, everything is in reverse.

Here I am believing that I must first clear myself, I must first get my mind clear before spending time with my son, which in return actually traps me within my mind, because I am attempting to relax and let go through being in the mind, which is a contradiction within itself, as the mind can’t extinguish itself with itself.

When I turn my focus to something Physical such as Cesar my son, then I am in that moment making the conscious/aware decision to move from the past as my day that’s behind me to be here as the Physical as my son being with him, in the moment as him.

So I have now made a agreement with myself to everyday once I come from work to pack my stuff off, to get dressed in different cloths and to immediately go to Cesar and to hug him and give him my time once I am done with work.

Let us be clear, it is not to suppress or hide or anything like that of the whole day that has been over, it is to be a responsible being/father for the child that I am an example to.

See I have a simple decision to make as the example I am living in the eyes of my son, he will not learn what I say to him, he will learn what I live, as I am his male figure that he will be imprinting from, and since he only sees me at my worse which is after an entire day that I have been awesome, then he will learn that moment of the day of who I am within that moment, and he will see that as the example. That last part when I believe its now okay to escape into the mind.

So I have made the decision that I will be awesome for my son to be the living example of what is here as what’s best for all life, through living that in fact, to change this pattern of unawareness and to turn it into an aware moment of creative living.

what’s the point of being awesome for the whole world, but once I am in my sons presence I am a distracted shifting mind controlled zombie that walks around, believing the world out there, this system is more deserving of my attention then my own son, as my son will become this world and thus live within these systems and I have to be the example for him to walk and change this and thus not live as the mind as some tired worn out piece of a man calling himself dad, too tired to help out mom and to spend time with the kid using excuses of work, and that I have been working all day, and the day was hard and I deserve to just rest now and have time for myself to be this zoned out man.

NO – that’s not what I am accepting and allowing as my definition of a father – I am giving the attention to my child that I am giving to my job (as an example) outside as well, the same as what a mother does, a 24/7 job, if she can do it I can.

This is not a point of self-judgment, it is me re-aligning myself within the awareness of my actions within the presence of others/myself at all times, to be the same one and equal and to not change this presence once I am in a different area and to not shift, within the consideration of what my actions are creating within my reality as those that sees me as an example, in this case my child/boy Cesar.

And this change goes hand in hand with the principals or living commitments that I as a Destonian stand as – Living my utmost potential and nothing less.
Happy fathers day.

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